Recently I have seen an influx of clients who are currently looking for a compatible partner but finding the road to love to be a rocky one. So, for this blog post, I was inspired to give my views on the matter and hopefully give you some food for thought to help with confidence and self-esteem.
When you look at your relationship history, you may find that you tend to go for the same type of person. You may also realise, that so far, you haven’t been particularly lucky in love and the correlation between this and your “Type”.
The reason for this is our minds tend to like familiarity, so on a subconscious level, you will be looking to get into a relationship with somebody similar to somebody you either already know or somebody similar to a previous partner. Ladies can often subconsciously be attracted to a man who shares personality traits with their Fathers. This isn’t because they’re physically attracted to their Dads, but due to the feelings of safety and familiarity they associate with the paternal relationship.
If you were lucky enough to be raised by parents who were and are, very much in love and devoted to each other, you may seek to emulate that relationship with your own partner as your parents’ relationship is the benchmark which you measure a successful relationship by. Again, because of the subconscious associations with safety and love.
However, there’s a flip side to this. If you grew up in a household where your parents didn’t enjoy a loving relationship, or if you come from a broken home, where your family suffered a traumatic break up, you may have memories of your parents arguing and saying fairly horrible things to each other.
When you become an adult and enter into a relationship of your own, you may find you and your partner repeating this type of behaviour and experiencing a strong sense of Deja-vu. Again, here is your subconscious seeking familiarity, whether its good for you or not!
The reason we subconsciously seek familiarity goes back to early human civilisation. We lived in tribes and it was important that we stuck to the things that were familiar in our lives. By staying in the tribal territory and following established routines, we kept ourselves and the members of our tribe safe. Straying from this could literally mean death at the hands of a rival tribe or the jaws of a predator. Even eating something unfamiliar could make a person seriously ill or worse.
It’s this subconscious “Tribal” instinct, that draws us to the familiar.
So how can we change this pattern? Well here are some things you can do; start by having a think about all the negative behaviour traits you tend to attract. Maybe even list them down. These will all be things familiar to you but not necessarily the things you want to have in a relationship.
However, be aware that these are the things that your subconscious mind will likely be searching for, but now you’re at an advantage because you’re consciously aware of them.
Next is the fun part, list all the things you are not familiar with in a relationship. Perhaps a partner who believes it should be a 50/50 share of the household chores, someone you can rely on or a companion who can share their feelings with you.
These are the things you are now going to be consciously focusing on now when you are looking for someone new.
So that you don’t reject those things once they come into your life your job is to make the things on your “Wanted” list familiar to you.
If you don’t make these things familiar to you this is what could happen:
Mary meets Bob and she’s happy because they are getting on so well together, he ticks all the boxes on her list but soon enough as she’s getting the affection she so longed for she finds herself beginning to reject it. She starts having thoughts like; ‘He’s only doing that because he feels sorry for me”. Or she asks herself the fatal question; ‘Why would someone like him want me?’
This is typical self-sabotage caused by the new acts of love being so unfamiliar. So what Bob considers normal behaviour within a relationship Mary feels uncomfortable with, simply because it isn’t something she’s experienced before.
If being being treated with kindness and being complimented is unfamiliar, then try to make it familiar by praising and complimenting yourself. If nobody has ever told you they love you, love yourself and, more importantly, say the words to yourself. Make this practice a habit and you’ll be less likely to reject it when you meet your special somebody.
When you are confident and feeling good about yourself, it shows and is far more attractive than displaying neediness and insecurity. So, it’s really important to work on feeling good about yourself on the inside. The packaging isn’t necessarily the important thing.
Don’t try to make someone fall in love with you, fall in love with yourself first then your energy will change and so will your ability to attract the right partner.
Much love until next time!
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